February was the month of full of many emotions. Emotions that would break my heart and providing a time to reach out to my Heavenly Father for comfort.
Feb 1
I was leaving for St. George this day when I was changing Fynn's diaper and found a rash on his elbows. He had been on an antibiotic for an ear infection for only a day and a half when this appeared. I called the pediatrician's office and talked with the nurse about it. She counseled with Dr. Sabey and gave me a call back. I was told to stop the antibiotic and keep and eye on the rash. Well with me going out of town, I was worried sick about it and had to hand over the stewardship to Jesse.
I drove down to St. George with Mom and Emily. Tayler was going to fly in the next day after she got off work. So the 3 of us got settled into the condo (which Uncle Dave graciously let us borrow), went grocery shopping and went to the hot tub.
Feb 2
Before we had to pick up Tayler from the Airport we went on a hike through Snow Canyon. It deemed an adventure while my hiking app took us all over the place trying to find a specific peak we wanted to get to.
We gave up on finding the peak and found a spot to eat lunch and take pictures. The weather was so warm it was refreshing. My favorite part was we couldn't stop singing all of the songs from the latest Musical Movie "The Greatest Showman" that came out in December. We sang over and over again in the canyon "When the world becomes a fantasy, And you're more than you could ever be, 'Cause your dreaming with your eyes wide open."
Straight from our hike we went to pick of Tayler. We went back to the condo, ate dinner, talked, laughed, ate too much dessert, played card games, laughed some more, planned out our shopping trip for the following day. Then we got the genius idea to do masks. I don't remember why or what was said, but we could not stop laughing. Like my face hurts laughing. And trying to get a picture of us only added to it.
Feb 3
Shop till we Drop Day! Heidi usually gives us a trip to Park City to shop for Christmas. This year she took us to St George for the weekend. We packed our lunch and planned to shop literally until we couldn't handle it anymore. It was so nice we could split up and then meet up. Super casual. Super fun. I don't usually get to go shopping just for myself and I was enjoying being able to get stuff just for myself.
After it got dark and we were all starving, we headed back to the condo to show off to each other what we got.
Feb 4
We went to an hour of church, cleaned up the condo and we headed home. I worked on a journal entry the whole way home about my friend Harmoni. I still need to finish it. But I need to have a place where I have documented the influence she had in my life.
We made it home and had a birthday party with the Smith Family for Ryker's 10th birthday. I was anxious too see how Fynn's rash was doing and it had spread and looked so much worse in color. Almost purple. And he really wasn't feeling that great.
The next morning I was shocked to see how bad it was on the back of his legs. I called the Pediatrician and he told me to bring him in,
While we were there Fynn was acting really happy so it didn't seem to alarm Dr. Sabey too much. But he couldn't figure out what the rash was. He had 2 other nurses/doctors come look at it and the 3 of them couldn't identify the rash. They sent us to the dermatologist and an appointment was made for the next day.
I went into the Dermatologist appointment with a Fynn pooled in my lap. He just wanted to be held so close and with the blanket on top of him.
When Dr. Robison brought us back I told him what had been happening and within 30 seconds of examining Fynn he knew right away what it was. He called it Vasculitus.... or HSP. He strongly advised me to take Fynn directly to Primary Children's Hospital.
I left his office holding in all the emotion and it all came out when I called Jesse to tell him what just happened. He was just getting off the freeway from hi shift and he came right to the parking lot where I was with Fynn. I bawled to him and couldn't stand the thought of Fynn going back to the hospital. He was just there the month before. I had a full day of clients scheduled as well and wanted to cancel my whole day so I could be with my baby at the hospital. I was torn and in tears. Jesse reassured me everything would be ok and he'd take care of Fynn.
Jesse sent this picture to me while I was at work. He told me they took blood and urine samples. HSP was confirmed and they wanted to check his kidneys because apparently HSP can cause kidney damage.
HSP is weird reaction (almost autoimmune) to a bacteria, virus or medication in his body. Basically his body was freaking out and reacting negatively to everything that had been going on with him the past month and a half.
They were also concerned he might also have mono. And those were the blood tests that (at that time) we hadn't got back. I remembered praying that he didn't have that as well. The rest of the tests showed good signs. The HSP was confirmed. His kidneys looked normal. He would need to have blood tests and blood pressure tests every month for the following 6 months.
I remember feeling absolutely overwhelmed with emotions, My mother's intuition was heightened and made me sick with worry for him. The doctors were telling us that the HSP causing joint pain and his tummy to hurt. Seeing Fynn so miserable made it hard to handle. They said that we could give him Tylenol to make him comfortable. But not Ibuprofen because it'll be too hard on his kidneys. I had asked if there was anything I could help him with at home to help him feel comfortable and Tylenol was the only answer. But I knew there were other options. I took him to a Natural Path to see how I could help him. She had me take him off of Dairy and Wheat and give him probiotics and enzymes to help his tummy Also some vitamin immune boosters to work on getting his immune system back in business.
Because his immune system was attacking itself he was also susceptible to catching any germs or viruses. So therefore I also decided to keep him home all the time. No grocery store. No church. No nursery. And no gym. I started to go to the gym at 5:45am instead of 8am.
With Fynn being so sick, life still needed to move forward and Ryker's birthday brought a refreshing happy feeling. I remember feeling so amazed to think that I had hit a decade of being a mother. On this day I recorded this...
Ryker William Smith you are one AMAZING kid. He makes everyone around him feel so loved. His teacher has told me... "Your kid is incredible. He is so kind and helpful and he brings up anyone who is feeling down. He includes everyone and helps those who need it. He is truly a role model."
And... "He is friends with just about everybody, really. He is such a likeable, sweet kid."
Makes me mama heart swell when I get emails like that from her.
The Happiest of birthdays to you Ryker because you deserve the world. I love you SO MUCH!!!
We sent him to school and only after a half hour of being there we surprised him by checking him out of school to go skiing with Jesse for the whole day. Oh I wish I could put a video on here of his reaction to the surprise. He was so excited!
It was his first time ever going and he caught on really quick. Jesse had a very enjoyable time having this one on one time with him.
Since Jesse got to spend the whole day skiing with the birthday boy, I got to take him to the dinner of his choice. Before we went inside, I gave him 10 little gifts that represented my 10 favorite things about him (ya know, cuz he turned 10?) These are they...
10. Athletic
9. Kind
8. Confident
7. Compassionate
6. Heart of Gold
5. Good Hair
4. The biggest Smile
3. Spiritual
2. Tries to be like our Saviour
1. A light in our lives!
Near the end we were both crying so hard and hugging each other. It was a tender moment I don't want to forget.
That night I had to chuckle at Fynn and his entire bed set up that he requests at bedtime. So many blankets and stuffed "aminals" and a book to read.
This looks like a typical day with Fynn during his HSP days. Tylenol would take the edge off and it would bring about smiles. But without it he had achy joints and a constant stomach-ache. Which explained his little to no appetite and why he's taken two 2 hour naps in a day. He was always worn out.
His rash had spread on his hands, belly and ears. It didn't look as red/purple though, so that was good.
At this time we were still awaiting on the final mono test results (which was killing me that it was taking so long). I remember feeling like we were hermit crabs keeping him inside to avoid any further illnesses.
Also on this day also I brought Mr Prickles to Ryker's classroom.
Ryker was very excited to show off his unique pet.
I got an itch to throw a surprise party for Ryker. I remember many parents shocked I would throw a party with what all had been happening with Fynn. But it was actually therapeutic to throw a surprise birthday party for Ryker that day. The distraction from all the worries about Fynn was needed. The energy brought into our home was refreshing and Ryker's reaction was priceless. Again the video I got of him when his friends jumped out from the table was the best. If there is anyone that you want to get a great reation out of when surprising... it's Ryker!
We fed everyone spaghetti and then I let the kids play and do whatever they really wanted. Watch a movie or play night games. Either way it was a fun party and made me excited for the day when he had his teenage friends over.
Feb 11
Rash was healing and starting to scab over. Every night I would lather in in coconut and lavender oil.
We had finally heard back on the MONO test and it was negative. Hooray!! With that said this kid still had a long recovery. His belly was the biggest issue. He was constantly complaining about it hurting. I mentioned earlier that we had started him on some enzymes and probiotic to help with that. Plus aiding in building his immune system along with a mulit-vitamin. His rash seemed to be better, but where it rubbed the most(like the backs of his arms and ankles) was red and scabbing over. He had some around his mouth that he wouldn't stop picking.
His ear infection (that started this whole thing) was getting better. Occasionally he would complaining about it specifically. But overall he aches. So the snuggles still continued. I shed continuously. I worried. But that's my job right? He'd be ok eventually, but at times it really overwhelmed me.
I felt so grateful for so many people asking me how he was doing and those who told me they were praying for him. It really meant the world to me.
I didn't have it in me this year to make Valentine's Boxes for the boys, so I put them in charge of making their own. They did a fantastic job and were really proud of their own work. I was impressed with their excitement to make them and it took one less thing off of my load.
I did put together a sticky note of love for my man!
What I recorded on this day...
"This week has felt like 2 weeks worth and by Thursday I had an emotional break down. Fynn had been in so much pain Wed and screamed not to sleep in his own bed. So I let him sleep between me and Jesse. He was so restless all night. Which of course made us restless. I've also been going to the gym at 5:45am instead of taking Fynn with me at 8am. Trying to keep him away from any extra germs/viruses. I felt like I had a handle on things but by Thursday morning I wasn't anymore. I was low on sleep and hadn't showered in 2 days. Fynn was screaming and I couldn't do anything but hold him, trying to comfort and calm him. I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face and the knot in my stomach was tighter from worry. Worried there was something else wrong with Fynn's tummy than just the side effects from HSP. I called the Dr office and talked with the receptionist. She told me the Dr was full and to call back tomorrow. I hung up and then decided to call back. This time I got a different receptionist and was in tears almost begging for Fynn to be seen that day, She talked with the Dr and was able to fit him in at 1pm. Jesse was thankfully off and could take Fynn while I was working. the Dr confirmed that it was the HSP still causing so much discomfort. We have only been giving Fynn Tylenol but it wasn't cutting it. Ibuprofen was suppose to be avoided to help his kidneys. But the Dr suggested to dose here and there to help Fynn with the inflammation. Jesse gave him a dose at 4pm and it seems since then Fynn turned a corner. He slept so good 2 nights in a row and by Saturday he was so happy and eating non-stop. And how silly, be seeing him doing normal 2 year old behaviors makes me wanna cry. I feel like the probiotics and emzymes are helping as well.
My neighborhood/ward has been so kind. Yesterday 4 sisters and 4 YW showed up at my home to clean. I'm VERY grateful! A clean home was needed. Plus they wanna bring in 2 meals next week. I had the hardest time at first accepting the help. Why is it so difficult for me, I don't know? But I found that the Lord brought aid to our family in a time of need. My heart is full from the Lord being mindful of us."
President's Day. The boys didn't have school and we were planning on going snow shoeing with Mike and Heidi. Donut Falls was our destination. We didn't quite make it because Fynn got too cold and it was probably too tiring of an activity for him with him still on the mend.
Harmoni, I will never forget you! I love you so deeply and you'll always have a special place in my heart.
Feb 20-
On that day I recorded the following...
"I woke up this morning thinking and feeling like yesterday was just a bad dream. But quickly remembered that my best friend really had graduated this life.
Being Tuesday and my baby is finally feeling well enough to leave with my sister, I wanted to hit th trail. Especially since we got SO MUCH snow yesterday and I was aching to go snow shoeing. My trail buddies all had things that didn't allow them to go and usually I wouldn't go alone. But today I needed to go be in the mountains. Alone. As I got higher in the trail the snow became deeper and I was the first through it. The climb was slow, but I was grinning ear to ear because the powder was knee deep.
My thoughts were about Harmoni and wondering what she was doing? Was she watching me climb this mountain? Was she proud of me? Was she sad that my heart longs to just talk to her one last time? I was overcome with emotion that I burst out in tears. I couldn't control it. It felt so sad and angry. I cried out, WHY?!? The tears still came. I continued to climb and cry.
I prayed out loud for my Father in Heaven to calm my troubled heart. I asked him to never let me forget my friend. I pleaded to have her always be with me.
The peace that came next was so comforting and it's almost like He was telling me "I need her here." I could feel her with me, comforting me. I could imagine her dressed in white looking as radiant as ever. I think that was the moment the trees overhead dumped a bunch of snow on top of me. I burst out laughing. I'll take it as a sign that she wants me to continue laughing.
As I've contemplated this experience through the rest of the day I've come to this conclusion...
Harmoni would want me to spread LIGHT everywhere I went. So, for her, I want to live my life in a way that she would want me to. Positive, Happy and Upbeat. Taking challenges head on and never waivering in my Faith. Loving my Savior the way Harmoni dos will be my continual goal.
Thank you to my friends, family and neighbors who have reached out to me the past few days. Your simple texts and comments have strengthened me. I will forever be Harmstrong!"
On that day I recorded this...
"I've been anxiously waiting for this day to come ever since Harmoni asked me (while I was doing her makeup for family pictures) 'You know when THAT day comes, you'll be doing this for me, Right?!?'
Never before had I dared touch a dead body, let alone do their hair and makeup. But when your best friend asks you, you just do it.
Last night I aske myself, Am I ready for this? Am I going to be too emotional that I can't go through with it?
I ended up having a dream about it last night. Can I share that with you? Because I woke up giggling and I swear Harm was sending me a message to lighten my heart about it all.
'I walked into a room and her body was on a table. I was there with her sister, Engor. The room was empty at first but then my dream shifted and there were people lined along the wall in small groups. Each group was representing a different makeup line (like Mary-Kay). Engor and I are going through the groups trying to pick out the best match for Harm's foundation, testing it on the backs of our hands (silly right?). After we find one we like, we turn around and Harmoni is standing there facing us. I was stunned to see her not dead. But I looked closer and she had blue eye shadow up to her eyebrows, the pinkest blush and red lipstick that looked like a 5 year old missed her lips. She says to us "Do I look pretty?" Engor said in kind of a annoyed voice "Oh Harm, come lay down we will fix you up." I woke up and chuckled. That is so like Harm to make every situation light hearted and act inappropriate in a humorous way.
It calmed me though.
I arrived at the mortuary and greeted Harm's parents (Bill and Sharon), her sister (Engor), her sister's husband (Bob) and their daughter (Hannah).
The mortician took us back where she was and I took a deep breath and felt calm. I stayed that way the whole time and was able to get her looking the way that I knew she liked. I worked with Hannah to make her look beautiful. We made a great team and both felt like we nailed it!
When I got to my truck I took a moment to myself to process what I had experienced. I tend to get teary when I feel the spirit strongly and suddenly I felt that way. And I swear to you I could feel her telling me "THANK YOU ASH."
The rest of the evening was spent talking with family members and friends of Harm.
Thinking about the day as a whole, I can feel how PEACEFUL and CALM it was.
I'm sure I'll be emotional at the funeral tomorrow, but today was such a good day. My heart is at peace today. I got to give one last service to my friend Harmoni and it felt good to do that for her.
Feb 23- The Funeral
I wrote...
"What a beautiful day it was today. First that the earth was being covered in pure whiteness non stop. Second, the tribute given to Harmoni was something special.
My heart has felt at peace all day with an occasional gut wretching cry. But what I will never forget is the moment Harm's missionary son stood up to talk. He had a smile on his face and told all of us to stop crying because Harm wouldn't want that.
She'd want us to be laughing and having a good time. He said that he had his talk all prepared on Tuesday, and this morning has was clearly told by her to change it. So he went off of his thoughts and feelings. And bless his heart is was exactly how Harm would have wanted it. She's so proud of him. I just know it. I know I am, and I'm not even his mom. About 4 or 5 times he'd randomly say to us "She loves you all!" And I could feel that to be true. I swear to you, Harmoni shown through Parker. It seemed like he was listening to her and then sharing her feelings with all of us. Oh I was so emotional and teary listening to him. But it wasn't sadness, it was JOY!! His (or her) meassge was of love and PURE joy. Parker stated ..."Let us not MISS her, let us love LIKE her."
Oh I just love that SO much. She is one STRONG woman who touched so many lives with her Fiesty-ness, her Faith and her love!
That legacy will forever be in my heart!
I want to love like Harmoni did.
I want to increase my Faith in God because of her.
I want to worship Christ better because of her.
I want to cease the day and live life to it's fullest because of her.
And I want to have the attitude that she always had and say "Everything will be ok."
I love you Harm oh so much! Until we Meet Again!"
Feb 26- Jazz Game
My parents gave us (and my siblings) Jazz tickets for Christmas. And this was the day that we got to go. This month had been so full of emotions, so ending it with a date night was just right.
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